He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
