I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
