You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
