the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
