No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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