dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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