my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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