We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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