Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
