I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
