mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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