but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
