no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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