I wish I only lived at night.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
