when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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