We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
