I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
