you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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