wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
