I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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