ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
