I never want to see another naked old woman again.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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