her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
