He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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