after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
