rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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