I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
