i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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