Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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