I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He passed out mid-signature
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
