We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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