im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
