she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
