i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
