Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
