Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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