oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
