My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
