My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
