Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
