Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
