You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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