Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
