Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
