I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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