just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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