After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
