i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
