Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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