fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
