Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
