Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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